Generally, in the past two years I've stayed pretty well on top of reading entries, but would tell myself I'd come back and comment later, and of course, never did. I want to change this, because as I said, I miss how things used to be. (A quick glance at my comment stats will let you know I used to be quite the little comment-chatterbox [some of that is due to spam posts, but the majority is still from actual conversation]) Basically, I want to get back more into reading and immediately commenting, and having conversations through comments in journals. I miss talking to everyone.
In the meantime, I did that countdown meme that's been going around.
10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now.
1. I know you are reading this. Don't particularly care. *shrug* It's your choice whether you want to move on or to keep stewing in things.
2. No matter how much I love you as my friend, there is a little part of me that will always resent the fact that (no matter what she says), you mean more to her than I do. I know friendship shouldn't be about quantifying how close you are and being 'first' shouldn't matter, and I know it's petty of me, but it's the truth.
3. You still intimidate me, though not as much as you once did.
4. I feel bad about the fact that I probably don't like you as much as you think I do. It's not that I am pretending to like you; I do, and I consider you a friend, even if not a close one: I find you fun most of the time, and sometimes think you are really amazing. The problem is that you irritate me a lot too, in stupid little irrational (of me, I mean) ways. That's the reason that I won't ever say anything to you about it, either, because it's not a question of you behaving badly; it's just a simple clash of basic personalities, and it would be pointless and arrogant of me to expect you to change yourself that much to suit me. Not to mention, as I said, it's on a very basic level, so I don't think you could change even if you wanted to, so just mentioning it would be a bad idea, since I don't want to make you feel self-conscious or resentful or anything. Mostly I feel bad myself because I am not being completely honest with you, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to spare your feelings.
5. I'm glad I've gotten to know you better; honestly, the impression I had of you before you friended me wasn't a very good one, and so I even cringed a little at the time, because I wasn't sure I wanted to add you back. I'm glad I did, though, because you really aren't how I saw you at all and I would have missed out.
6. I wish you could see your own talent and that you are just great in general. It makes me sad that you don't seem to realize how amazing a person you actually are.
7. I have no real problem with you personally; you can be fun & interesting on a superficial level (because we aren't close, and I'm content to keep it like that), but the way I have seen you treat some other people will make me forever wary of completely trusting you.
8. I feel like I've been a failure of a friend, just because compared to how we used to be, we don't talk nearly as much, and a lot of that is probably my fault, or the fault of my circumstances. I have a reliable internet connection again though, and...yes, I'm still settling in, but it is my goal to get back into regular communication with you. I promise though, that even though we haven't been talking as much, I still love you just as hard as always. You're one of my best friends. ♥
9. I'm not sure where I stand with you anymore. We've drifted, and, yeah, that's natural sometimes, but...I dunno. I want to try harder to be friends again, but sometimes I think you don't necessarily want that. :\
10. Getting to be closer with you and talking a lot more in general, about so many things, has been one of the most rewarding things for me in the past few months. Thank you. ♥
09 things about yourself
1. I'm happier right now than I have been in a long, long time, and it's amazing.
2. Sometimes I feel like I should feel weirder about remaining such a child at heart. I mean, a lot of the stuff I am into now is the same kind of stuff I loved over ten years ago, and I'm fine with the fact that I seem to be stuck perpetually at age nineteen in my brain. I don't think of myself as a grown-up, but still as a kid, and I don't feel so much awkward about that as that sometimes people make me feel awkward for not feeling awkward about it. If you can decipher what I mean from that, haha.
3. I am weird about organization; some things must be arranged just so (still have to alphabetize & re-shelve my books), but other things can just exist in random piles and I have no problem with it.
4. The thing about myself, physically, that I am most self-conscious about is not my weight (despite the fact that thanks to laziness & depression I've become quite the fattie in the past few years), but my skin condition. I have had plaque psoriasis on my elbows and legs for years (like since high school), but it was never that bad and I had a medicated cream that would clear it up. But the problem is that after a while it becomes resistant to the medicine, and by its nature gets progressively worse, so it now not only won't clear up, but has spread and gotten worse. It makes me feel gross and disgusting and like people who see it are judging me and think I have poor hygiene or something because of it. I dunno. There are new treatments I can try eventually, but right now I lack the money and insurance to cover that, and since it's mostly cosmetic (as in it looks disgusting but doesn't hurt or anything), it can't be an immediate priority for me.
5. I dream in color. I never have actual nightmares. I have always been a very lucid dreamer, and normally remember all my dreams very well, even moreso when I am keeping a dream journal (something I haven't done regularly in a while), because I think just the act of writing down what you remember makes it easier to recall more and more detail without even trying. I love dreaming. It's probably a good thing I do, because a lot of the time that's the only way I can convince myself to go to sleep.
6. I need to finish going through the last few boxes of junk in my room and throwing out stuff I don't need anymore. It wouldn't take that long if I actually did it, but I just never feel like doing it, so they've been sitting there for like two weeks now.
7. Two things I exceed at: thinking too much and making myself feel guilty about things that probably even aren't my fault. I am very quick to assume blame when things go wrong, even if I don't say so outwardly. Thinking too much about stuff often feeds into this. I dunno.
8. There is something I really love about seeing amazing art or reading amazing writing (this all goes for both fandom and professional stuff); in a way it makes me feel inadequate and jealous, but even more it tends to inspire me and make me want to strive to get closer to that level. It makes me want to create, and I love that feeling.
9. I still don't know what I want to do with my life, careerwise. I mean, there are dreams for careers that I would love if circumstances were ideal, but those are also not very practical dreams. In a more realistic capacity, I feel kind of lost at sea.
08 ways to win your heart
1. Be honest. This is the biggest thing with me. Even if it's about something that in itself may be upsetting to me, I will always always appreciate the fact that you were honest and won't get upset that you told me. I know that it isn't meant to make me feel bad, but to help me or make it easier for you to relate with me. (Obviously this is regarding genuine honesty, not the bogus "honesty" some people use as a tool to be bitches and try to make people feel bad, and then say, "whaaat? I was just being honest!" when people call them on it.)
2. Appreciate the geekier things in life.
3. Have a sense of humor.
4. Have an unexpected side to you.
5. Be unafraid to play or act like a kid.
6. Have long conversations with me about whatever.
7. Enjoy pretending.
8. Like to have adventures (and be willing to turn mundane things like taking a walk into an adventure).
07 things that cross your mind a lot
1. Wondering where I put [fill in the blank] that I couldn't find earlier.
2. Thinking about an awesome story/book/movie I just read/watched.
3. (when at work) [fill in the blank] hours/minutes more until lunch/quitting time.
4. (lately) Worrying about money.
5. Pondering random things.
6. Planning out fanfics/original stories I may or may not ever actually write.
7. Worrying about random stupid stuff.
06 things you do before you fall asleep
1. Put on my pajamas.
3. Brush my teeth (ur, but not always >.>)
4. Switch on my lamp, and turn off my main room light.
5. Get into bed and get comfy, prop a pile of pillows behind me, and grab my book/laptop/video game/whatever I am planning to do for a while to wind down.
6. Once ready for actual sleep, set above thing aside, hug my stuffed Rabbit (from Winnie-the-Pooh), turn on my side, and burrow under the covers.
05 people who mean a lot (in no particular order)
1. Jon Paul & Randall (yeah they count as one person now, since they are married)
2. My mom.
04 things you're wearing right now
2. A psychedelic McDonalds t-shirt (from when I used to work there in college)
3. Uhm. A bra.
4. My silver serpent ring.
03 songs that you listen to often
1. "Queen of the Surface Streets" by DeVotchKa (yes, still)
2. "Care of Cell 44" by The Zombies
3. (lately) "Swinging" by Muramasa
02 things you want to do before you die
1. Be published.
2. Be pregnant. (yet I don't want kids of my own, haha. I just want to experience pregnancy at least once. Luckily, this will happen, because I'm planning to be a surrogate for my friends. :D )
Eh, I dunno. I was just thinking the other day about how weird it seems that I generally am a complete optimist and always look for the best in people, and am quick to give them the benefit of the doubt, quick to give second-chances, quick to forgive...yet when it comes to myself I always assume the worst. That most people find me dull or annoying or unfunny and are just tolerating me out of politeness, that no one wants to hear me talk about the things that are bothering me because it's whiny, that my writing is regular and uninspired, that my drawings suck utterly, ALL THAT SORT OF STUFF. ...Which kind of makes it sound like I hate myself or something, sheesh. It's not as bad as that, I promise. I am weird with my insecurities, and some of them fluctuate from being something I really worry about for a while to something I don't really care about. I just wish I had more confidence in general in some cases. I'm working on it, but it's a hard thing to change, you know?
I was tagged for another meme that I will probably do eventually, but this entry is already long and I'm all meme'd out for now.