prpl pen (prpl_pen) wrote,
prpl pen

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I feel horrible that I've been so bad about commenting on LJ lately. I know it's not supposed to be an obligation, but at this point, there are a lot of people on my friends list that I actually consider friends, and not just casual faceless acquaintances. Besides, I am an expert at making myself feel guilty. Residual super power as the result of Catholic upbringing, or something.

I know I sometimes stretch myself too thin and expect too much from myself. I know I am always too hard on myself. I have all this practical advice that I keep repeating to myself, but knowing something logically does not mean knowing it emotionally. Honestly, one thing that really makes me happy is knowing I've made someone else happy, you know? And I feel like I'm failing at that. Horribly.

I'm, so tired. And I just feel like such a ridiculous, talentless failure lately. If someone says something nice about me, I'm convinced that they are holding back what they really feel because they don't want to hurt my feelings. That no one actually wants to talk/chat with me, because I'm dull and it's easier to just ignore me until I take the hint and stop trying. That everything I produce is varying degrees of suck, but no one will actually say so, because they are too polite. I know that my self-confidence has never been the greatest, but it's been a long long time since I've felt this way. ...And this is all weird and rambly and probably nonsensical.

I dunno. I don't really use this journal for venting. It feels weird to me, like attention whoring, or something. Whatever. Maybe it is. I guess just the idea that if I'm talking someone might actually be listening (so to speak) is a little comforting to me right now.

Sorry for getting emo everywhere. A little club soda will lift that right out.
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